The blessings in my life are my husband and my children....they are always there to help me out when I can't seem to make it through that day. Saturday was a really rough day for me spending the whole day with mom and seeing her obvious decline and also seeing her in some distress which I quickly addressed with the staff at the hospice and now she is being kept very comfortable as evidenced by what I saw when I visited her yesterday after work.
My husband spent time with her on sunday and again yesterday took my brother to visit her before he returned home to Florida. My sons have all been going almost daily to sit with her and to give me a break, as well. Still....when you have been a constant caregiver for 10 months almost you get this feeling of being 'lost' with nothing to do when faced with giving up the care to doctors and nurses and I guess that is what I am feeling now. I have decided to get myself back into more of a keeping busy routine so I'm going to work as much as I can manage and doing other things for myself. Tonight is my monthly scrapbook class and I am looking forward to seeing some of my friends that I have made over the past couple of years through taking these classes...we only see each other once a month but I still consider them friends and enjoy chatting and scrapping with them...it is such a wonderful and relaxing time and I know how much mom loved seeing what creation I came home with each time I went to a class.
Another blessing for me is that I will soon be able to hold my newborn nephew in my arms and tell him what a beautiful and special grandmother he has and that she loved him with all her heart from the minute we knew he was coming...I know that Nancy and I will make sure that baby boy will know his grandmother from all of the wonderful stories we will tell him over the years.
I am noticing a decline in mom's condition...subtle as it may be. She was almost looking through me yesterday and didn't speak at all when I was talking to her and she opened her eyes. There was a beautiful arrangement of flowers that came from my stepbrother, David, and his family but I don't think mom knows it is there even though I held it up and showed it to her she didn't respond at all. Still I visit and hope and pray that she knows I am there and that she feels my love and hears me whisper "I love you, mom..." in her ear when I leave.